it is now empty
where your talisman i wore
you've sailed away from me
i search you still on shore.
it is so vivid in my mind
that day you passed away
watching the stars shine
my feelings to betray.
betrayal!
that is what i felt.
to fly away and leave all behind
life's togetherness undermined..
it seemed to me an easy recourse
in steeped the feelings of remorse
turn back time and make it stop!
i pray to the inanimate laptop.
come back and hear me out!
the hoary walls hear me shout.
how could you leave, it's so unfair!
the mouse squeaks in it's lair.
i seethe at the insensitivity of time
inevitability be deemed a crime!
in death you have excluded me
that is my grievance against thee.
come now and defend your case!
i look up and see my own face.
About Me
- Hoary Rumination
- a half-baked concept, an unfinished story, random verses,an interrupted prayer, an unvoiced wish...
from the travel journal of a wandering soul
clandestine discoveries in ancient grottos
9 comments:
great..... some deep ignited thought...left me speechless
thanks a ton.. :D
thanks ankur. do keep visiting.
excellent!!
lovely.. u were pained, i can see.
Painful and lovely...loved it absolutley except the last line. Sorry to say but the last line didn't strike the right chord but that's my personal opinion, rest of it is adorable :)
Good one, Ina
A bit about the writing style...you have followed an aabbcc structure throughout, except in the line- "betrayal!"
that is a break, and the sense of betrayal is heightened by the use of the break...perhaps you can try it a second time in the poem..see if it helps to create a stronger impact.
you last line is what would be called a clever ending. While keeping it within the rhyme scheme, you have managed to introduce the element of surprise. I don’t know if rhyme comes easily to you. If it doesnt, then this poem must have meant a fair bit of work. I love the last line and break in “betrayal!” I am waitin to read more of your poems, so start posting soon. Btw, I have started a blog myself. Do drop in.
Ragini
I like the poem. I like the ideas behind it. But somehow i felt that it needed a more contemporary face. The rhymes were a little irregular and and felt forced at times. Especially words like 'thee' were very clearly forced more rhyming sake. And these are the words where a reader usually stumbles.
Overall a nice poem... Nothing original about the theme but done in an original style. That's what i like!
** for rhyming sake**
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